Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Randomize
