I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
