Someone shit on the floor
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
