So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
