He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
