Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
