She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Randomize
