New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Are we still banned from the library?
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
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