sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
