i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
