he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Randomize