I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I will be naked everywhere
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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