I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
