If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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