Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
