i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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