there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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