All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
