he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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