that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Is it penis luge time yet?
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
