girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
