hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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