I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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