My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
