she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Randomize
