i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
