11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
