You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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