there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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