Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
