You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Randomize
