As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Randomize
