3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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