You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
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