i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
