well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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