I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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