so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
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