i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
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