It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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