Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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