Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
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