just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
