Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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