the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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