party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
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He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
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I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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