I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
