I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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