I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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