call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
