Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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