there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
