I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
