just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
